SaNDcaSTeR

I suck. I'm a fucking dick. IM SORRY

I feel like shit
I can't take another hit
Like the one I took yesterday
But it can't compare
To the one I dared
To deak to those I treasure
My sorrow cannot be measured
I want to say I'm sorry
I just want them to know I'm sorry.
Im sorry




I love you all
I'm going to sleep now. I dont feel like shit when I sleep. I ate a pound of chocolate and feel GREAT now. it was white choclate. my favorite.
I dreamed I drowned last night. But I didn't care.

you know what? It was a little hard when my best friend started dating her. It was a little hard not to be able to be around him as much. But I was so happy for him, so gald that he had someone so special in his life, that I let it be. And once they got over their initial obsession with eachother, everything was normal again. You. you say she separates herself from the group with me. Be that as it may, thats just at school.. and school ONLY. I wasn't stopping her from being with you at school. But more importantly, NOTHING was preventing her from seeing you two OUTSIDE of school. NOT ONE DAMNED THING. open your eyes. You want to talk about segregating from the group? okay then. At the promenade, on my birthday, after the movie which you guys said was so NORMAL, where did you go? You didn't even say ONE FUCKING THING to me about where you were going. Do you know how that hurt me? That you just took off? and then you fucking COMPLAIN about being alone, when you are the ones that left. We didn't leave you. You say the group isolates you. WRONG AGAIN. It isn't hard to participate in a conversation. But you don't like what I have 'done' to oyur friend. You don't understand what it's like, and you never will, untill you fall in love. I'm finished with this now. I'm not going to mention it again, in my journal. I hope things work out with you and your friend. I'm still going to see her outside of school. But I hope things can be fixed. I'm going to take a break from you guys untill I get my truck back. Then, if you want to, we can hang out again. If not, I guess that's okay. But you don't know...how unfair it is to speak to/about her like that. You don't know how much she cares for you two, just hoe MUCH she treasures you two, how badly she wants you two to be happy. So I'll leave you for a bit. And maybe you'll be happy again. I'm sorry for what I did. farewell
good luck with nick. good luck with amir. I mean it. I can tell they make you happy.

Sometimes life is altered.
Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
Uneasy with confrontation.
Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

I see my world crumble and fall, before my eyes
I know, I know.
Dark will turn to light, in time I'll be alright
I know, I know
(I never imagined my life could turn out this way
So cold so black so alone)

Living goes by fast, catch your breath
and it will pass you by.
And it won't last, to sulk with the memories you hold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's strange, how things work. How immaturity can crack a heart, almost break it. If you want to hate, to be angry, direct it at me. It's unfair to direct it at her. You don't understand what you've done. How it hurts. How I feel. But I will not fall. You were mad, now I am too. I can't sleep, because of you. The pain in my chest, the agony in my head. Your envy distresses me. You, just so you know, have not been used. I valued our friendship. But the pain I have inside...
you caused it. You can fix it. If you don't, that's too damned bad for me. And for those who value MY friendsip, those around you. You, who is mostly enraged at her- you don't know what you're doing to her. How she feels inside. If you found someone you loved, you wouldn't be able to stop talking about them. Everyone has problems. Soem are worse than others, but all are important. You've forever damaged a part of me, you who envy and hate and rage. Your immaturity disguts me. The lack of responsibilty, of taking upon yourself to fix the problem. Instead, you cower, and write it down. Maybe someone will read it. MAYBE. You compare us to my best friends at the movies...you weren't there when they started going together. They were the same way as us. But unlike you, I dealt with it. I understood, saw from the beginning that my bestfriend was very much in love with her, and let them be, and things worked out fine. Your sarcasm, your OBVIOUS(in the words of YOU) envy hurts me. My pain inside....I haven't cried in years...at LEAST 6...yet as I type, tears slowly fall from my eyes. you have NO IDEA what you have done. NONEWHATSOFUCKINGEVER. I noticed noone talked to Us as much. But you know what's sad? YOU FAILED TO NOTICE HOW MUCH EACH OF YOU MEANT TO ME. And even worse...you felt this way, but acted as though things were fine, hugging me, saying hello. you two...I can't belive it, this...is worse than anything...see, what youve done? I care enough that I don't want to die...but I don't care enough to fear death. I hope you2 are happy. Because you can have your friend back...although you ALWAYS FUCKING HAD HER. You were too damned blind to see it. See always was concerned about the angry one of you, and wants to fix things. She was always concerned about the left out one of you. ALWAYS. And you couldn't see it. So I hope you're happy. You have won. you won't be seeing me around anymore. I'll stay out of your way. I never meant to take your friend away. I hope this fixes things. See you around. what you fail to understand...is that love cannot be stopped. Keep it in mind. I won't be with her at school anymore. Hope you're happy. I won't be around your group anymore. Hope you're FUCKING HAPPY. What you have done.. you don't realize the stress I 'hve had on my life lately. My grandma is dying, my father didn't wish me a happy birthday (again), my grandpa can't take care of himself, my sister has problems that I have to deal with EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY, and now you bitch about the one I love. I'm on the fucking edge. Glad you got your problems off YOUR chest. I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It's slowly crushing me...and now, you added the last few problems I need. thankyou. I truly hope things turn out alright between your friend and you two. Perhaps when it does, I'll return, if you'll let me
untill then
FAREWELL
--------Patrick Raffin
And to show what hypocritical means, I will now quote YOU

"~I realized today that you, in my eyes, are completely and utterly perfect. You are everything I have ever liked, loved, or wanted...The time I talk to you, and the time I spend with you is more precious than anything in the world...And I'm glad I feel this way.~"

"Ever just wonder about how much you want to share yourself with someone? Being a source of comfort and holding them when they are down...telling them that things will be ok...while doing your best to make them smile? And in your mind you say to yourself, given the chance I can make that person very happy and whoever this person may be...in your mind, you know that when he\she is with you...tears will be but a memory, heartaches will simply be nothing more than a bad dream. Have you ever just dreamed for that day and want it so bad that sometimes you feel your heart will just explode with anticipation...? While at other times, you feel as if you might not live up to your own expectations?"

The way you feel towards a certain someone, I feel towards someone. But you two have just ripped some of it from my heart, from my soul.

I love you all, don't get me wrong. Maybe me not being around you for a while will help heal things. I hope they do. i'm sorry for it all

I have been feeling very differently the past couple weeks. Like I've been dreaming. And I've been feeling sad. And feeling angry inside for no real reason. I can't explain it. It doesn't make sense. I'm in love with Bri. That helps ALOt. Beign with her cheers me up so much. I don't know how I'd be able to maintain so many freidnships if it weren't for her kind presence. Theres something in her that I have never seen in anyone else. I get something out of this relationship that I haven't gotten out of any other. No, I'm not talking sexually. Something better. More meaningful. More healing. someone who understands me. Soemone who listens, and won't tell. Someone I can talk to, one on one, and not feel uncomfortablt. Someone who will hold me when I'm sad, calm me when I'm mad. Someone who listens, and understands. I cant belive she chooses to stick with me. But I am so thankful. I'd die for her.

It has been too long sinceI last updated. My parents banned me from the internet for no apparent reason. O h well. At least I got to see Bri the other day. That always makes me feell better. Just being around her takes my mood to a new level. We skated at the park for a while, and she almost got the soul on the tabletop. GO BRI!!!!! i love spending time with her. But since I got banned from the internet, I've had to us eemail to keep in touch with her betwee nschool days! I'm not complaining. It's cool. We talk about stuff. (duh) And you know, it's like IM, but wasier, because I have more time to put my thoughts into words and understand other feelings I have. And how good it feels to talk to her and be around her. I can't get enough of it. I'm...addicted...to Bri! ahh! But it's Soooooo much better thatn being addicted to caffeine. And I can't wait to see her again. I love talking to her. I..yeah. parenst up and about. gotta jet.

I wish I could be at Sarah's with bri. I miss her so much, even though I saw her all day today. I wish I could be there :( I just want to be with her. On sarah's nice comfy couch ;) I wish I could be there:( too many wishes. wish it'd come true right now.

I M SOO HAPPY!!! I FEEL ONTOP OF THE WORLD!!! I ggot to see Bri two days in a row, and better yet, I got to go to her house for her birthday today, to have some dinner, at her mothers' invitation!~!~~ AND IT WAS FUCKING GOODD~~~ mmmmm. yumyum. haHAHAHAHA. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN BRI!!!!!!!! thanksd for having me over!!! Your parents kick ass!!! they're awesome. tell 'em I said thanks again. I still sorta want to talk to them and see what they think about me seeing oyu and my age and everything.. :-\ It'll have to wait til I get my truck back though. MAN~! I GOT TO SEE BRI!!!!!!*feels like he;s in a dream*

Nope. I don't feel better today. and to make things even worse, when my stepdad came home and found me on AOl, He flipped. Strted getting mad, talking about "50 dollars in AOL charges". If he was mad about that, i shudder to think of how mad he is gonna be when he sees the REAL bill. Over 300 bucks. damned AOL. He said it doesn't matter that I was downloading udates for this computer. Fuck. Well, they were my actions and I have to accept the consequences. At least I got to talk to Bri while the things were downloading. Sorry for my mood and everything.. :(:'(

Man. I'm in such a bad mood. And i'm being the biggest fucking DH around; I made bri feel bad, and I feel worse now. I just hsouldn't interactwith ppl when I feel like this. Damned thoughts. It sometimes sucks to be a 'dreamer'. Bad moods suck. Hahaha. good thing ray's not around to make some comment about Bri. Oh, the hell that would descend upon his head. Man. I hope I feel better in the morning....

where is Bri? Where is she? I miss her. It's like trying to breathe air under water. You know its there, you just don't know how to obtain it. I know Bri's there, BUT I CAN"T TOUCH HER!!! boooo. *shiver* no one to keep me warm at the beach:( No one's hand to hold at the movies :( No one to laugh with about Guggalos and Gugalettes :'( No one to skate with and teach me some new moves. I MISS HER!!!!WHENWHENWHEN WILL SHE RETURN??(damn I'm a panzy) On a sadder note, she's gonna come back to some sad news. I'm gonna get itnto so much trouble when the AOL bill comes. But it was WORTH IT just to WRITE about Bri, and think about her. (panzy, again) too dependent. but unavoidable as well. *shrug* damned issues... one more day. I just have to last one more day, and I'l be okay. I wont be able to tlak to her online though:( I cant risk running the bill higher. NONONONO. wish the satellite worked so I could talk to her ALOT. Well, it's goodbye for now. I MISS YOU BRI!!! *HUG&KISS* WE GOTTA SKATE AGAIN BEFORE SCHOOL> AHHHHHHH!! SEVEN DAYS!!! NOOOOOOOO(but yay also; I get to see you EVERYDAY!!) tataa....I miss bri. At the Ranch, whenever I see a squirrel, I think ++BRI!++....and tehre are alot of squirrels. If I had a penny for everytime I thought of Bri in the past 3 days, I'd be richer than a king. tataa. again.